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Kamloops News

POULSEN: The politics — and science — of the penis

Image Credit: Chuck Poulsen
March 10, 2016 - 7:30 AM

The Republican presidential campaign finally started addressing an issue of substance.

Marco Rubio said Donald Trump had small hands and therefore must also have a small penis.

Trump denied both assertions.

He held up his hands to show the world and declared them to be manly.

Trump did not provide visual proof of the latter accusation although the issue may yet be explored when the movie comes out: The Political Party that Ate Washington.

It's rumoured that Foghorn J. Leghorn of Looney Toons fame will play The Donald while fellow studio member Bugs Bunny will perform the role of the media.

Rocco Siffredi, the world richest porn star who goes by the screen name Italian Stallion, may have a "part" in the movie.

Melania Trump - a smart, sophisticated and classy woman - stayed out of the discussion, thus only proving again that male-female opposites attract.

What's been lost in this, as usual, is the science.

Many studies have explored the possible correlation between the size of a man's hands and feet and the length of his penis.

Penis researchers had a problem right off because the size of a man's penis varies depending on circumstances.

For instance, the size of a man's penis will be at its most flaccid when watching Hilary Clinton deliver a speech. On the other hand, a man's penis will be fully expressed while watching Jennifer Lawrence do anything, such as making coffee.

A penis can also vary in size depending on whether it's August or January. Winter is a down time for penises.

Then there is a phenomena that can occur when men first wake up, causing the mates of those men to say: "Oh God, not this again!"

To standardize the testing, "gently stretching" of a flaccid penis is the preferred clinical preparation for measurement.

Here is the long and short of the findings:

* Urologists at University College Hospital in London recorded the penile length of 104 men with foot sizes 8 through 13. Their testing yielded no link between the size of the male organ and a man's feet.

"A common misconception," the researchers reported. "There is no scientific support for this relationship."

* Researchers at the University of Alberta measured the height and stretched penile length of 63 men. They found that body height and foot length were only weakly correlated with the size of their penises and that "height and foot size would not serve as practical estimators of penis length."

* A Korean study, however, found evidence that finger length may have something to do with available testosterone to the fetus, and that determines the growth of a penis. Those researchers suggested that a man whose index finger is shorter than his ring finger had a longer stretched penis length.

If you are a man reading this, you're looking at your fingers. Oh yes, you are.

Intuition alone tells us that the hot air being pumped out during political campaigns leads to global warming.

In the name of political science, a study is needed to determine a possible connection between a big mouth and a big penis, or whether there might even be an inverse ratio.

Got a minute, Donald?

— Chuck Poulsen can be reached at

News from © iNFOnews, 2016

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