(DON THOMPSON / iNFOnews.ca)

OPINION

A question in the back of minds of most parents, and grandparents, nags at us. Why can’t our kids be more like us? Often not expressed, the question - even if camouflaged - is often there. Sometimes, it comes out in subtle ways.

The proverbial “walk-five miles-to-school” stories or an unsolicited explanation about how you and your friends played outside all day rather than wile away hours watching YouTube are delivered on a recurring basis to most kids…and grandkids.

It is natural and quite understandable that we might want our children to follow in our footsteps, exactly. After all, what we know…is the path we took…our life familiar. Of course, we tend to see our own youth through rose-coloured glasses. Living vicariously through our children allows us to “correct” the things that didn’t go right…even if memory says otherwise.

It’s easy to measure our kids through our own accomplishments. We think - perfectly naturally - “I played hockey and soccer and lacrosse, and I was good, so my children should like sports, too.” Often, it’s hard to accept that your child is a better - happier - spectator than athlete.

Our actions don't belie some sort of malice…just a familiarity…and perhaps some ego. Those who had success and happiness doing this or that as a child cherish their memories…and want those good feelings for their children.

Those who were great athletes, who captained teams and were academic whizzes, winning scholarships and going to all the right schools - and were the most popular kids in school, as well - can pose problems for their children…however unintentional.

We have all witnessed parents….or ourselves…heap pressure on children on sports teams and with their studies at school. It can be an ugly thing. Most of us - some sooner than others - realize that a child doesn’t have to be your clone.

It can be a tough lesson to discover that your attempts to motivate and inspire your child failed. Instead, the children felt their efforts were somehow disappointing…that their interests and talents and desires just didn’t meet your high standards.

Even if winning everything that glitters was never really important to you…it’s easy for children to misread intentions unless you state them explicitly. My parents made it clear…I heard often: “Do what you love” and “Above all, be happy” and “Whatever you choose to do…give it your best."

My parents were not perfect…who is? We’re human and we make mistakes. Parenting is a challenging, often maddening job, consumed with a thousand different important things…not least of all…providing for our families. Let’s face it…even as parents we’re often still figuring out life ourselves…an almost blind-leading-the-blind experiment.

My parents realized and appreciated my individuality. They realized early on, I believe, that I was not going to follow in either of their footsteps…and that didn’t bother them in the least.

They understood that my character was formed neither by doing what they did nor simply rebelling. My choices didn’t celebrate or demean my parents’ choices, they did what was right for them and they assumed I would, too.

They provided the tools I needed…life lessons about fairness, decency, compassion, empathy, the strength and confidence to do the right thing, with enough humility to appreciate the qualities of others. They gave me what they knew and held dear…and had enough faith in me that I would figure it out…find my own way.

I’ve had a charmed life…even though I was never a parent. But I’ve always been an observer…I’ve witnessed a lot of the good, the bad and the ugly of raising children. Finding Bonnie - the love of my life - gave me the family I never had…two adult children and their spouses…and their four kids…my grandchildren.

Neither Bonnie nor I measure “our” kids and grandkids against ourselves…or anyone else. They are unique…and what my parents saw in me - individuality - we treasure. Who knows what lies ahead for them…their destinations will likely be very different than ours. And that’s not only okay…it’s wonderful.

— Don Thompson, an American awaiting Canadian citizenship, lives in Vernon and in Florida. In a career that spans more than 40 years, Don has been a working journalist, a speechwriter and the CEO of an advertising and public relations firm. A passionate and compassionate man, he loves the written word as much as fine dinners with great wines.

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