(DON THOMPSON / iNFOnews.ca)

OPINION

A friend expressed on FaceBook last week how the loss of her father a decade ago, murdered on the island home he loved in The Bahamas, still weighs heavy on her heart. Her family’s loss started me thinking about grief, and how we handle the pain and suffering that come with it.

Grief isn’t a problem we solve. It’s a process…something we all experience…usually several times during our lives. If love is one side of a coin…grief is the flip side. Both emotions are universal…but how we define and work through them differs for each and every one of us.

There’s no time limit on grief. It can tear a hole in your heart…in your life…and sadly your life can spiral downward, ending even more tragically than the loss that first started your despair. Then, of course, still others grieve. Sometimes, life is not only not easy…it’s overwhelmingly challenging. Even when managed well, grief takes a toll and can last longer than you might ever predict.

Who among us…as sensitive as we might try to be…hasn’t thought or said something like, “Bob’s daughter died three years ago…I wonder when he’ll move on?” The somewhat bitter truth is…you probably don’t move on so much as you move forward. There’s a difference.

What we might grieve as a life-changing event…is often - quite understandably - simply an event that comes and goes to acquaintances and even friends. But it’s alway different for the those suffering a loss. The pain isn’t fleeting…you don’t just get over it.

I’ve come to believe that there is no right or wrong when it comes to grief. Any two people might share a similar loss…but also might travel completely different paths in dealing with that loss. It’s hard not to judge others, especially if you suffered a similar loss and “moved on” in half the time. After all, we’re quite imperfect human beings.

Certainly, we don’t want to dwell so long grieving that we become incapacitated…at a loss for ourselves and others. Getting professional help - and that too is different for different people - can ensure that we neither prolong nor dismiss the pain of a loss.

Think about it…how awkward it is to try and comfort a friend who has experienced a great loss? Words often become stumbling blocks…and while you empathize and feel for their pain…it’s difficult to convey your emotions - your caring - without seeming trite.

But even if you’re close - family - it’s almost impossible to help someone you love find a shortcut through grief. The situation requires incredible patience…listening more than giving advice. That is harder to do than you might think…but being there for someone is just that…not being the pilot or even the navigator…simply a member of the crew.

I’ve seen people experience a loss stoically…but that doesn’t mean that person loved someone less. And I’ve seen others mourn - with tortured emotion - for years. We’re all different. There’s no single route through the pain of great loss.

You’re wiser once you realize that you cannot cure or even stop someone else’s pain. Unexpressed pain is dangerous…it can seem benign for years…and then consume you.

If a friend or family member is grieving…living with pain…be there as a friend, a companion…not a doctor trying to fix them…make them well.

Those who have lost a loved one…know grief and all that it brings…outrage, regret, guilt, sadness, helplessness and a dozen other emotions. It touches all of us. Khalil Gibran wrote, “For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.” That truth gives me some peace.

Perhaps the best we can do…be there for others in their times of need…and trust that others will be there for you.

— Don Thompson, an American awaiting Canadian citizenship, lives in Vernon and in Florida. In a career that spans more than 40 years, Don has been a working journalist, a speechwriter and the CEO of an advertising and public relations firm. A passionate and compassionate man, he loves the written word as much as fine dinners with great wines.

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