(DON THOMPSON / iNFOnews.ca)

OPINION

My mother never read a book about raising children. I doubt she even heard of Dr. Spock…and if she had she probably wouldn’t care for his advice. My mom listened to “old” Dr. Harrell, who delivered me (later his son was “young” Dr. Harrell)…our family physician Dr. Robert Thompson (no relation)…and the voice in her head.

Notice I did not say voices…mom was perfectly sane. Indeed, Mom and dad - like so many parents during the 1950s - relied on their own experiences growing up and something called common sense to raise children. Somehow, without reading a single book or consulting any clueless friends…they navigated parenthood.

I am the youngest of three children…my sister, Ruth, was born in 1937, my brother, Clark, in 1948, and I was born in 1950. All said and done, my siblings and I are none the worse for our parents’ ignorance of “expert” parenting.

Parenting isn’t easy…it never has been. But there are some lessons that today’s parents can learn from their grandparents that might make their lives and the lives of their children richer and more full.

My parents didn’t indulge us much. We got what we needed…rather than everything we wanted. Perhaps to the surprise of many young parents today, generally speaking, an adult knows better than a five-year-old child…almost everything. If you have doubts, ask a five year old to plan a dinner menu.

Somehow my parents knew that I didn’t need or deserve a toy or treat every time they left the house. My parents said “no”…and “maybe”…a lot. But when I asked both mom and dad late in their lives if they felt guilty about their parenting…they smiled. With absolute confidence - and years apart - they gave the same answer…“We knew best.”

People often say - perhaps in defence of permissiveness - those were simpler time. They were not. Ask those who went through Spanish Flu, The Great Depression, WW II, the Korean Conflict, Polio, the Cuban Missile Crisis and Vietnam…among other challenges.

I’m not saying everything was perfect back then…my parents like all parents…made mistakes. Mom was a huge proponent of corporal punishment…though I must say I wasn’t an habitual offender of the same crime as a result of that parental decision. Even so, my parents did more right than wrong, and if I didn’t turn out half-good, I certainly didn’t turn out half-bad.

Children get judged…so do parents…something many younger folks today find horrible. It has always been true. It is part of life…we get judged everywhere…school, jobs…parenting isn’t a judge-free zone. If you do your best…you shouldn’t wither from the judgments of others.

One thing I think my parents did right is that they knew they were the nucleus of the family…they were a couple…and they were happy. They lived for us…but not exclusively. They were together for 63 years and change.

They wanted a better life for us…and sacrificed because that’s what good parents do. But they were smart enough to not let us manipulate them. Kids can be master manipulators…and when they find their scheming works…guess what?

Mom and dad trusted us…but not blindly. That bond was based on performance…our acceptable behaviour. They lived up to their words…and expected no less. That type of child rearing worked then…and should today.

Manners were as important as family dinners in our home. There was not a “Yes” or a “No” without a “ma’am” or “sir” attached to it. “Please” and “thank you” and “may I?” were as natural as drawing a breath. We were taught good manners and expected to use them.

Like cursive writing in school, teaching manners seems less a part of today’s parenting curriculum.

My parents - and the majority of their peers - kept things simple. In a sense all children are spoiled…but if I broke a toy through my irresponsible behaviour…I didn’t get a new one. I had books before I was in school…and I was taught to respect them…I never threw them or tore them apart.

Kids during the ’50s spent time outside…lots of it. We were expected to play and entertain ourselves…not rely on parents to direct our every waking moment. Also, my parents didn’t involve us in a plethora of sports, activities and recreational pursuits…knowing truly that less is more when it comes to a child’s day-to-day life.

We did chores back in the day…and didn’t always get paid to do them. My parents knew that not every action on my part should be bought and paid for…they knew and they made sure I knew that helping and obeying their requests was tied to concepts like character, trust…and simply becoming a better person.

You didn’t miss dinner in our home unless you had a pre-arranged excuse…a good one. We all sat in the dining room…no television…just conversation. The dining room was the command centre for communication in our family…you talked about school, work, activities…you got advice whether you solicited it or not.

My parents were always nearby but they were able to restrain themselves from jumping to my aid every time failure was a possibility. I was supported but left to figure some things out…solve some problems. That built confidence…which serves me well even now.

Somehow, my parents understood what I needed to grow and develop as a child…and that what they did and didn’t do would impact me as an adult. Before each of them passed, I was able to thank them for my childhood…convey my sense of understanding that their parenting was neither happenstance nor trial-and-error.

Perhaps they didn’t know their efforts would stand the test of time…delivering to society not only a better child but eventually a better person. Actually, I think maybe they could have told Dr. Spock a thing or two.

— Don Thompson, an American awaiting Canadian citizenship, lives in Vernon and in Florida. In a career that spans more than 40 years, Don has been a working journalist, a speechwriter and the CEO of an advertising and public relations firm. A passionate and compassionate man, he loves the written word as much as fine dinners with great wines.

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