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Kamloops News

GOG: Hey, red plates: size matters

Image Credit: Compilation/Jennifer Stahn
August 14, 2014 - 8:55 AM

Unfortunately our idyllic BC summer has yet again been spoiled by a nasty infestation of annoying pests. They are everywhere, buzzing around making everyone’s life a misery. No, not wasps. Not mosquitoes. Albertans.

I have been considering what it is about them that raises my hackles. It’s not them being here that annoys me; since all Alberta east of the Rockies is pretty much uninhabitable, one understands they have to go somewhere. It’s not their repeated vulgar efforts to remind the rest of us that they have all the money. It’s not their arrogance, nor their pushiness, nor even their overblown sense of entitlement. It’s their transportation.

There is a law in Alberta that no car may weigh less than an oil rig, so they invade in an armada of grotesque, chrome-festooned pick-up trucks and (worse) enormous SUVs, some of which even have the nerve to call themselves Cadillacs. These have to be the most useless, wasteful, most tasteless vehicles on the planet. They are as big as houses on the outside, yet contain barely enough interior space to hold a swinging cat, let alone a family, which is why they are almost invariably occupied by only one or two people.

We know Albertan vehicles are different. They don’t require front licence pates, for example. Or turn signals. But why do they have to be so large and intimidating? Especially when driven by some cowboy-hatted redneck with an insatiable grudge against Honda Civics.

They are so big the Albertans who drive them have to take up at least two parking spaces or the handicapped spot. While they can reach high speed in a straight line - provided they are no more than two feet from your back bumper -  they are totally incapable of going round corners at anything more than a crawl, and that with the terrified occupants leaning over like falling trees to counter the dramatic pitch and yawl involved in changing direction. But then, most of Alberta doesn’t have corners.

A special place in automotive Hades is reserved for those gargantuan SUVs with “Hybrid” badges on them.  You only ever see these with red plates. Is this what passes as saving the planet in Calgary? Does being able to get 6 mpg instead of 4 fill Albertans with a warm glow of self-satisfaction as they squander the oil they think belongs only to them?

Fortunately my rage is somewhat tempered by recalling the immutable Law of Genital Compensation, which states that the size of a man’s vehicle is in direct inverse proportion to that of his gentleman’s appendage. I find it helpful to share my knowledge with the drivers of Alberta-registered SUV’s by extending my hand in a cheery greeting with the thumb and forefinger raised and approximately two inches apart, the universal gesture for “tiny todger”. Sadly, not many seem to understand as yet. But I’m sure if we all adopt this symbol of recognition, they will eventually get the message.

News from © iNFOnews, 2014

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