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THOMPSON: My plan to manipulate the U.S. mid-term elections

August 06, 2018 - 12:00 PM

 


OPINION


What the hell? I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. The mid-term elections for the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate are 92 sleeps and a wake up away…and boy do I have a plan.

Two years ago the Russians wreaked havoc on America…manipulating really stupid Americans into voting for an orange-tinged adult with the disposition of a toddler and the natural curiosity of a three-toed sloth.

So, I’m thinking…same voters…not a bit smarter. They can be tricked again. You know, fool me once…shame on you. Fool me twice…shame on you…again. But, here’s what we do…and I don’t want to assume anything…but, yes, this does require the help of a whole bunch of Canadians.

Don’t worry, I can write about this freely because Americans aren’t likely to read anything that comes from Canada. See, that’s part of the plan…the Russians succeeded because they pretended to be Americans.

Canadians are a lot more hip to American ways…so pretending to be Americans should be relatively easy. Yeah, I know, we have healthcare for everyone here, we’re more humanitarian toward immigrants and Canadians are happier. I didn’t say it was a perfect plan…but it’ll work even though most Americans believe they have the best healthcare and believe America actually lives up to the words on the base of the Statue of Liberty. And I know happy…most of America isn’t all that happy. right now.

But, back to the plan. You see, I need about 3,000 volunteer Canadians. If I had started sooner, I would need fewer…but there’s just three months to manipulate people…and even with ignorant people…well, that’s not much time.

Volunteers need to be proficient on Facebook and other social media. That’s it. Because all you have to do is lie. Wait, wait, I know that’s asking a lot of Canadians. But these are dire times…and the American public less and less knows the truth…even when it hits them square in the face. I bring into evidence, Exhibit A: 4,272 total lies or misleading statements told by Donald Trump in 18 months…that’s an average of 7.6 per day. Yet, millions don’t believe he lies.

You’ll be posting ridiculous stories…stories that lack any resemblance to truth. Stories can be supportive of Democrats or rip Republicans…you can play offence or defence…be creative. Canadians have the character, integrity and intelligence to know you don’t tear babies from the arms of mothers or if you’re wearing a badge…you don’t shoot one group of people faster than another group. You know…just be yourselves…true Canadians.

The ends do justify the means in this case. It’s not just Trump’s almost eight lies a day…or his cult-like followers that believe his lies…well, crap, it is those things. But more importantly, it’s Trump and the Republicans shredding the American Constitution…implementing policies that are killing the environment faster than ever…putting us on a path that brings us closer to doomsday…and playing fast and loose with democracy.

So, you get my point…the stakes are high. Now the genius of this plan - like I said - is it can work. The Russians did it, and Canadians can do it even better. Oh, by the way, whatever you do…do not answer comments or responses to your posts with, “Sorry.” Being nice and apologizing will give it away that you’re Canadian. It’s the only way we fail!

Now, what’s in it for you, you’re asking? Well, we get a better America…a better safer world and that means good for Canada. But, maybe you need a personal incentive? Pull this off and you’ll each get a Costco and Amazon Prime membership for free. Now, I haven’t cleared that with either company…but I can be pretty darn convincing.

Fine print: Neither Costco nor Amazon are going to give you a free membership…turns out I’m not that convincing. Also, I’m not springing for $60 per person for a Costco card and $79 for an Amazon Prime membership either. So, see how easy it is to lie!

Anyway, everyone’s smart enough to come up with their own lies, but here are some sample Tweet or Facebook posts:

Target Red states with: “President Trump has moved Election Day to the SECOND Tuesday in November to confuse the Russians…Don’t forget to vote on Nov. 13!”

Photoshop a pix of any American celebrity holding a sign that reads: “Save Time…Avoid the Lines. Vote from home. Tweet (Enter Any Republican Candidate”s Name) with the hashtag #StillMakingAmericaGreatAgain) on Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2018 between 8 A.M. and 5 P.M.” Psst…you cannot vote by Tweeting.

You can’t be too ridiculous for someone to believe it. The day before the election, post on Facebook something like: “(Republican Candidate”s name) was arrested today for operating a child sex ring in the basement of a pizza restaurant in (Candidate’s hometown).” Include a photo of any pizza joint.

If any of these sound familiar, Russia used all of the above virtually word for word - to undermine Hillary Clinton’s campaign and support Donald Trump’s. So, get your devices out and do what Trump can’t possibly do for the States, Canada and the rest of the world…Make America Great Again.

— Don Thompson, an American awaiting Canadian citizenship, lives in Vernon and in Florida. In a career that spans more than 40 years, Don has been a working journalist, a speechwriter and the CEO of an advertising and public relations firm. A passionate and compassionate man, he loves the written word as much as fine dinners with great wines. His essays are a blend of news reporting and opinion.


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