YO MAMA: Are you watching 'The Monitor?'
So, I’m watching this super addictive new reality show called The Monitor.
It’s about the nocturnal activities of a human baby.
It comes on daily around 7 p.m. and runs for about 12 hours (if you’re lucky). You watch it on a small, handheld device that you carry around with you at all times. You can’t put it down, because even though it’s mostly boring stuff, every once in a while the baby does something interesting. Like, maybe he rolls into a super adorable position or starts chuckling in his sleep. You have to watch it carefully otherwise you’ll miss the important parts.
The Monitor has it all in terms of thematic categories.
Some nights, the baby sings himself to sleep with nonsense lyrics and it’s like watching an avante-garde musical. Other nights are more of a drama — the baby is filled with inner turmoil and personal conflict. He stands up and shakes the crib rails. Will he ever fall asleep? Viewers are kept on the edge of their seats waiting to find out if it will be a good night or not.
Now, let me tell you about the cinematography.
It’s all filmed in night vision which lends a bit of a creepy edge to the whole thing. You can always tell when the baby is awake because his eyes glow like a White Walker from the Game of Thrones. Occasionally, something really unexpected happens, like a strange streak of light will flash across the screen. It’s spooky and unexplainable and makes you question your sanity. Did you really just see that? Is paranormal activity real? The Monitor really makes you question your beliefs.
I’ll admit, watching it is probably a waste of time and, yes, the audio version is just as good at keeping you informed, but it really is addictive. And besides, it’s pretty educational too, kind of like the Secret Lives of Pets but with babies. For instance, you can observe how much the human baby moves around while fully asleep. It’s actually insane. The baby is constantly shifting about, rolling over, and changing positions.
The Monitor also operates as an alarm clock.
Sometimes, the baby wakes up with a satisfied yawn and begins speaking gibberish and playing with his toes. Those are the mornings you leave The Monitor on just a little longer because it’s just too cute not to. It’s like having a wildlife game camera set up. These are tender, intimate moments where you get to watch your child playing without you.
Other mornings feature unexpected plot twists — like a massive bowel movement at 4 a.m. This is when you think about canceling The Monitor, but then you remember, you can’t. You got a minimum three year subscription.
Oh yeah, and The Monitor plays on daytime television too, usually for a few hours right in the middle of the afternoon. You can’t go out because, duh, you have to watch The Monitor.
— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.
We welcome your comments and opinions on our stories but play nice. We won't censor or delete comments unless they contain off-topic statements or links, unnecessary vulgarity, false facts, spam or obviously fake profiles. If you have any concerns about what you see in comments, email the editor.
