YO MAMA: Dear library patrons, sorry my toddler took a casual poop
Dear library patrons who were browsing for books while my toddler took a casual poop in the autobiographies section,
I didn’t plan for that to happen. I never plan for it to happen in public. But 18-month-olds aren’t always regular.
Normally, he goes promptly at 8:30 a.m. underneath the dining room table. Why am I telling you this?
I don’t know.
But anyways, on that day he was off his routine. Maybe it was the giant pretzel bun he ate at the fair.
He hadn’t gone number two in two days and it was stressing me out.
I was having flashbacks to the week he didn’t poop. Apparently, seeing a daily dump in my child’s diaper is a major predictor of my mental health.
We had gone to the library to look for potty training books. Everyone needs a little inspiration now and then.
Anyways, I was on my hands and knees leafing through children’s books when I noticed he had scampered off. I found him in the next aisle, dragging his hand lazily along the rows of books, ambling slowly. He always ambles like an old man when he is sussing out a perfect public pooping place. It’s as if he is trying not to raise suspicion.
I asked him outright if he was pooping. He didn’t make eye contact. I took a step toward him; he took a step in the other direction.
Then he banished me away with a wave of his hand, a surefire sign that the BM (big moment) was happening. Go figure, the kid wanted some privacy.
To the librarian stacking shelves in the next aisle over, I hope this letter explains the smell.
I watched his diaper inflate beneath his pants, already dreading the change table balancing act that would soon follow.
Not soon enough for the librarian.
Every time I approached to ask if he was done yet he very seriously said, “more.” He braced himself on the bookshelf. It seemed as if he was holding on for dear life. He grimaced and grunted. His face reddened and his jaw slackened. I realized in horror that this is what we all look like.
All you lovely book nerds carried on as if nothing was amiss. You smiled and kept on browsing. The librarian continued stacking books, even when she turned the corner into the autobiographies section. I stood at the end of the aisle flipping through pages of a randomly selected book like a private investigator while the librarian stoically stacked books beside my son.
Waiting for your child to finish pooping in a public place is awkward business. Until they’re toilet trained, you can’t do much but wait it out.
It felt as if an eternity passed. I could have finished the entire Prince Harry memoir in that time. In actuality, it was probably only about 15 minutes before the kid waved me over and declared the job done by patting his butt.
You all kept your noses in your books as we walked past you to the washroom.
It was business as usual as we checked out our books. The librarian scanned our items and asked if we’d found everything we were looking for. Everything and more, I told her. And I complimented her on the facilities too.
We left with a book called “Once Upon A Potty.”
Sincerely,
The customer who has renewed “Once Upon A Potty” five times….
PS. What's the funniest place your toddler has gone Number 2?
— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.
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