February 04, 2016 - 8:45 AM
My Christmas stocking contained a pair of SAXX underwear.
The price was also printed in large type on the box, like a secondary brand that said: SAXX is not sold in WalMart or a store from which you can see a WalMart."
The SAXX cost $35 for one pair, about $30 more than I'm used to paying for the dowdy but fully functional Stansfields.
SAXX are designer briefs. Mine came with an abstract checkerboard pattern and a breakthrough, ergonomic pouch to support what men, in our more refined moments, refer to as "our package."
My SAXX felt silky good. Uplifting but also snuggly as they come down to mid-thigh like short long johns.
Everything was in proper order until I made my first visit to the bathroom.
That's when I discovered my SAXX didn't have a fly and therefore I couldn't access my package.
There is no way for a SAXX man to do his business, other than to sit down. And, of course, put the lid down afterward.
I can't prove the following but everyone knows a conspiracy theory doesn't need to trifle with facts: I think the SAXX were designed by a cabal of feminists to force men to sit down when they whiz; a sly emasculation of our left brains that will eventually leave us talking in sunny ways like Justin. Or maybe even singing gooey songs like Sophie Gregoire (Mrs. Trudeau, if I may be politically incorrect about it).
What's next for these girly-men? Pedicures, I fear.
Boxers or briefs? An age old question. It's even the name of a rock group.
Archaeologists found the remains of loincloths made of leather dating back 7,000 years. Men are said to have worn loose-fitting loincloths in ancient Greece and Rome, but that was before elastic was invented.
By the time of the Renaissance, braies, as they were called, were fitted with a front flap that was buttoned closed. This "codpiece" was sometimes used as a pocket for holding coins.
Why would a man want to keep money in his underwear? Oh, okay.
Men can now join the Underwear of the Month Club, with monthly delivery for men who apparently don't know how to load a washing machine. The club says it will "search the globe to expertly curate your underwear drawer." Oh boy.
There is a website devoted to what the famous wear, from which is learned:
- Brad Pitt likes briefs but wore boxers to appease his ex-wife Jennifer Anniston during their marriage. I don't think even Jennifer is worth such a sacrifice so let me add: "C'mon Brad, grow a pair."
- Donald Trump wears briefs. Perhaps his briefs are way too tight. That might explain all of it.
- Bono and Justin Timberlake like boxers. So do Will Smith and Danzel Washington, whom I also mention so I won't get in trouble with the current anti-Academy Awards people.
- We already know from the movie Risky Business that Tom Cruise wears briefs but so does Matt Damon, even on Mars.
- John Travolta wears bikini briefs and, knowing that, I'll never look at him the same again. Matthew McConaughey likes to go without underwear, known as the "commando" look for those willing to risk everything.
- The most expensive pair of underwear I found are the Zimmerli Royal Classic Briefs at $65 a pair. Not good enough for Prince William or Prince Harry, who wear boxers, as do all dull men of old money.
I need to send a thank you note to my daughter.
"Dear daughter: Much appreciation for my pair of SAXX. As you know, I like to fiddle with things until they work just right. I have used a scissors to cut a vertical slit in my SAXX, just to the right of the pouch. This has put me on my feet again."
— Chuck Poulsen can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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