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JONESIE: Why no one's bringing back the fanny pack—for men

May 09, 2014 - 7:54 AM

It’s not fair that I am still wearing this stupid jacket.

I certainly don’t need it for the weather. Temperatures this spring are hovering between chipotle and picante—nearly Sriracha in my car. And I still have this black coat on.

I only carry it for the pockets. They’re stuffed with a wallet, phone, cords, loose bills, loose change, some medicine and emergency Tic-Tacs.

I suppose I could try stuffing it all in my pants pockets, but they’re occupied with another phone, more loose change and a coffee card.

I have no solution to this problem. It’s right in the blind spot of the male human experience, where the lines of practicality and fashion collide. And left to our own devices, we will choose practicality. 

If either trajectory is off by even just a little, then BOOM: Fanny pack. Carabiner clips on belt loops. Bluetooth wotsits hanging from our ears. Google Glass. This.

It’s a guy thing. We just can’t get past the ‘why’ like women can. Most guys will never spend $55 on a manicure because: Why? Could I fend off wild creatures with them? No? Well, could I make them into eating utensils? No? Any practical use? Then I don’t get it.

But ask a guy why he spent $55 cleaning his truck, and he’ll tell you exactly why. He’s been thinking about it for days.

Women don’t worry about ‘why’ so much because they’ve figured out the ‘why not.’ For example, a guy can ask: ‘Honey, why do you spend so much money on nails?’

And all she has to say is ‘why not?’ Then she doesn’t have to think of the answer—he does. He has to think VERY, VERY CAREFULLY about his answer....

You probably sense where this is going by now. I need... a small bag for all my stuff, something to just throw over my shoulder. But I’m boxed in by the purse and the man-purse. Or is it a satchel?

This is how the male brain thinks: ‘I’ll get beat up and ridiculed by guys and boys if it resembles a purse. Maybe I can attach some of it to my belt, like Schneider. Or maybe a backpack. Yeah, then I can carry a few more things. Like my computer. And camera. And all my cords. And this little scanner. And this little video camera. And this iPod. And this hard drive. And a notebook. And all these pens and highlighters. And headphones. And a water bottle. And lunch. Perfect. But it’s a little heavy now to carry with me everywhere. If only I had something else just to carry my wallet and keys and phones.... Man, it’s hot in here. Why am I wearing this jacket?’

Women have free rein over all this stuff. They are impervious to the worst fashion crimes of men. Mental exercise: First picture a man, then a woman with the following words. Fanny pack. Overalls. Tool belt. Sweat pants. Lumber jacket. Socks and sandals. See what I mean?

And if I was going for a coup of verboten male items, it would be for some kind of open garment without pant legs. A housecoat is the single most comfortable thing men ever created for themselves. And it’s practical... for, like, peeing outdoors and stuff. Seems to work for the men on Game of Thrones, anyway.

I’m sure most guys have tried, in their own way, to fight for practicality. And chances are it started with duct tape. ‘A hole in the couch? Where? Hang on, I’ll get my duct tape.’

You know how that ends. Same as my fanny pack or satchel. She’ll say no. And he’ll try her ‘why not?’ And she will give her reasons and they will make no sense to him but he will understand why he’s still wearing a stupid jacket.

— Marshall Jones is the editor of Infotel News.

News from © InfoTel News Ltd, 2014
InfoTel News Ltd

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