October 30, 2014 - 7:48 AM
The night of the year I dread most is almost upon us. The neighbourhood has been defaced by people using polystyrene and cotton wool to turn their yards into feeble approximations of graveyards. Wal-Mart plastic ghosts flap about in the wind. Perfectly edible vegetables are being wasted by being turned into ugly lanterns, only to be smashed into a million messy pieces some time between 1 and 4 a.m. on Saturday.
On Friday, I am expected to stay at home handing out free candy to children. On any other day if I try and do this I receive a visit from the authorities, but because it’s Halloween it’s not only permitted, it’s mandatory.
These little beasts will have revealed their true nature by dressing up as devils and witches and threatening harm to my property should I not cough up the candy. This is nothing short of extortion. If it wasn’t for this ridiculous charade, they would also be undergoing interviews with Mr. Plod. Yet in every case a grinning parent will be lurking in the shadows, egging on these little criminals as they tap up yet another trembling victim.
Worse still are the roaming hordes of greedy teenagers armed with firecrackers, eggs, and rolls of toilet paper, frightening pets and blackmailing householders into giving them pillowcases full of loot. Most of them don’t even bother to dress up, and will insist on selecting what they steal from you – try offering one some fruit, for example, and see what happens. This is terrorism.
But ask any parent why they allow their offspring to behave like this and they will say “it’s just a bit of fun.” It’s fun to dress up as devils or demons and extort payment from terrified old people. Well, if it’s such fun, why not do it more often? Let’s say every Saturday, starting next week. Children of all ages can assume the mantle of monsters and accost strangers in parking lots or shopping malls, holding out their grubby hands for sweets and threatening to encase their victim in Saran Wrap or pelt them with tomatoes if they refuse to comply. If it’s acceptable on one day of the year, it must be all right on the others, no?
It seems to me that the best way to combat this menace is to try and beat them at their own game by frightening the marauders witless the moment they approach one's domain, so that they wet themselves and leave immediately, sobbing. To this effect, I shall be creating a fully functional torture chamber by equipping my front porch with myriad implements of pain infliction, including whips, chains and a variety of spiky restraints. There will be horrific screams played through loud speakers. There will be blood.
I shall draw my inspiration from a place of modern legend, the scariest place on earth, one so utterly terrifying nobody would dare enter, not now nor ever again: Jian Ghomeshi’s bedroom. If that doesn’t scare them off, nothing will.
— There's nothing sweet about the Grumpy Old Git.
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