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GOG: Get it? Athletic rhymes with pathetic

Image Credit: Compilation/Jennifer Stahn
May 15, 2014 - 7:22 AM

'THEY DISPLAY LANGUAGE SKILLS SECOND ONLY TO THOSE OF THE COOKIE MONSTER'

I have finally figured out why it is that team sports annoy me.

I mean watching them, of course, participating being totally out of the question. (Many decades ago I was persuaded, against my better judgement, to try out for a high school soccer team. I expected to be given the opportunity to show off my dribbling and shooting skills - nowadays reduced to just dribbling, sadly. Instead a burly coach made thirty of us run up and down the field over and over and over. “Show me what you’re made of!” he bellowed, tooting his horrid little whistle. After two lengths I limped over to surrender and promptly threw up at his feet. The other boys may have shown him what they were made of; I only showed him what I’d eaten for lunch.

It’s not the fact that we pay alleged adults millions of dollars a minute to behave like children that gets my goat, nor that most sports are simply a form of semi-organized warfare disguised as entertainment. Take our national religion for example: a hockey game is a mere excuse for battle, gigantic toothless Vikings with names like Uara Sonovobitch looking for any opportunity to practice wildly clumsy punches or beat each-other with sticks. And I’m fine with that. That’s what team sports are for, a legitimized expression of our base and violent tribal instincts.

Nor is it the loutish behaviour of foamy-mouthed fans or (worse) parents whose idea of spectating involves hurling insults and abuse at anything that moves or speaks, often including their own offspring. Nor that when the majority of players open their mouths they display language skills second only to those of the Cookie Monster.

No, what really raises my hackles is the fact that these over-paid “athletes” have to keep taking a rest. Footballers run around bumping into each-other and playing catch for a few seconds at a time and then stop and talk about it for an hour or two. And when things start going badly they all bugger off and a new lot comes on.

Hockey players can only last a few minutes before needing a sit down and a good spit, and all they’ve done is glide around on skates and push each-other into walls. I have no idea how baseballers behave because it’s just too boring to watch but I imagine they don’t do much either since nothing ever happens and most of them seem to be missing. When soccer players get tired they fall over and make baby faces while clutching their shins until someone comes along with a nice comfy stretcher and takes them home to bed. Pathetic.

Their only excuses for leaving the battlefield should be multiple fractures, unconsciousness, or death. At the very least they should be made to keeping running about until they vomit on the coach’s loafers. That’s how wars are won.

— Grumpy Old Git is more than just his lunch. Mostly he seems to be made of gas.

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